Dreams

I do things I like, have fun, be with people I miss. Then I wake up, Im in the same bed, same room, same city. Later, I'll be doing the same routine. This is not what I like, I barely have fun, and Im far from the people I miss. To add up, it's raining outside. I dont have chocolates here as well. FML.

My Haven

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. Even so, I had my room as my shell. I bought me some journal, it kind of helps to write down thoughts sometimes --especially when you have no one to talk to. Mind thinks faster than I write/type. I'm so not into details as well. But at least I can pour out some emotions that I'm not allowed to show.

I hate my self now more than ever. I still eat though (even if I don't deserve the right to), still go to work (I'm effin' punctual even), manage to not look dishevelled whatnot. I'm used to crying daily for weeks now. Weird that my eyes still give me that sting whenever tears well up. Maybe a reminder that even if I weep and mourn, I deserve all these pain.

These days I like to see me in a hospital bed, maybe then I can value my self more than I do now. It's hard to make your self be understood by giving just a little piece of information and by just giving a little pinch of emotion.

I'm sober yet I'm wasted. FML.

How to pack up like an obsessive-compulsive

The OC part of me is stressing me out. Moreover, me being stressed out by myself can be 1) mostly useful and 2) can not be of exemplary use as well.

How to pack up like me because I'm an OC. Ugh.

1. Make a list of things to bring way before your travel date. (You don't want to be irate thinking you've left something behind. Review your note once in a while.) Be specific. When I say specific, include those one would never thought of bringing along --say, scissors.. nail cutter.. flashlight... All because those might be needed.
2. Get those things you've listed down. Don't put it in your luggage yet. Crush out those you've prepared in your list. Get all those you might need with the thinking that you might actually need it.
3. Now, place everything in your luggage. And a little after doing so, you must realize that you're going to be charged some extra fee for the excess baggage. Ha!
4. Time to review what you've put in. This is the time I bargain with my self that those I have put in my bag are actually essential and might be used/needed/whatsoever.
5. OC Instinct vs Conscience. Often, my conscience wins this only after battling hard with my OC instinct. Or after I do a little compromise with things. As I am typing this, I am not yet done with packing. :) I'm still doing the bargaining inside my head. But you know my conscience managed to get some clothes out of my bag. After all, if I rarely use it now, I may never get close to using those even if I bring it with me. Thank God for my brain.
6. Now everything is set to go, close your bag and start stressing maybe you've left something behind. You have to convince yourself hard enough that you haven't. Review your list once again and see that you haven't missed out whatever it may be. If you're still not convinced, compare your luggage with someone else's. Haha!
7. If you're still not convinced and you're tired of being stressed, do step #5 again. This time, the battle is over checking your bag contents again and again and again OR to stop overthinking and convince yourself it's enough (needs a lot of practicing) OR do both (because you're an OC).

Yeah, yeah... Welcome to my life. LOL

Express Mail 14

Not because someone holds the door open for you; reminds you to take your meal or your medicines; asks you how your day was; treats you for some late-lunch; drives you home, etc.. means he likes you.

I'm just saying, don't put malice in actions. Actions speak louder than words but honey, these are the times when we need someone to spell something out for us. Act your age, for crying out loud. You're not a teenager.

Express Mail 13

To _ _ _ _ _;

Don't send me mixed messages. Stop testing the waters.
I think this is not the last time I'm going to mail you.

Express Mail 12

To my dearest:

Words seem to fall short of everything. I think I can't possibly talk you out of how you think or feel right now. I'm not good with words but I wish I can hold you aaf until the ghosts inside your head goes away.

Shut

There are a lot of things that I want to say. Sadly, no matter how much I want to let it out my chest, doing so is not a good option.

I'm good at keeping things to myself. I am very much thankful that no Edward Cullen can get through my thoughts. :) I'm also hard to decode. :) Good for me.

A Special Hundredth Post

I have especially prolonged blogging for the reason that I want my 100th post to be extra special. I thought it would be a waste to just spend it on my rants via my Express Mail series; or talk about how my day was and so on. This goes out to my Mom, by the way.



Dear Ma,
Tomorrow marks a year since you've been gone. I can still remember your daily struggle with Cancer and its pain. But even so, we saw how gracefully you've endured it until the end.

I remember the night when I knew we'd lost you in hours time. I made a contract with my brain to be extra sensible to whatever I will hear. I prayed to God to make me awake the moment I'll hear anything because I perfectly know I'm bad at it.

I know I've explained it to you already but again, I'm sorry for the times I've been apathetic that it hurts you whenever I'm being like that. I have no choice Ma, I had to. It would be much of a burden seeing us breakdown each time you're screaming in pain. You often tell us we're emotionally strong individuals --me and Mav. And whenever you see me cry over movies it's like you've discovered something no one else has discovered yet. Haha! :)

You know, we miss you. I had one heck of a year last year.
January had been slow.
February: I celebrated my 1st birthday without you. I missed your lengthy SMS with your birthday wish for me in it.
March: we've been loaded with graduation practices.
April: finally my graduation day.
May: Kuya had a beach blowout for me.
June: Mav's first birthday without you. She missed you too. We all do. Uhm I had review classes then.
July, August, September: am busy with review still.
October: Dad's first birthday without you. We had a lil celebration over here with Jaz' family.
November: nothing really special I guess because I can't remember anything. :D
December: my board exam. My berx' 6th anniversary. And I'm already single.
The Holidays: we spent Christmas over Jaz'. They miss you Ma. On New Year we spent it here at home. Kinda sad but we managed. 1st year of 2011 at Jaz' house. Kuya misses you.

Everyone misses you. :) I guess it was just last week when my friend told me she wishes she had the same relationship with her Mom as I had with you. Hehehe. It made me a lil proud. :) Hahaha!

I love you Ma. We love you.
P.S. Don't worry about Dad. He made a promise last year that we'll never have a stepmom. We'll make sure he'd keep that. ^___^