Zipped

I was about to materialize a thought I have in my mind. Later I realized it would be best to let my thoughts be private. I may have let out what I think and how I feel but at the end of the day, there's nothing I can do to stop it nor change it to be in favor of what I wanted and how I wanted things to be because all I could possibly do is to watch over. You won't hear anything from me, I promise. But please remember this: When worst scenario unfolds, only then will I be on my defensive position. Count on me to guard. I'll do that gratefully.

S is for Shallow

I can feel them giving me the cold shoulder..... And I think I'm starting to get enough of it. It's just so damn piquing when you are trying your best to patch things up and here they are still lingering with the past mistake. Okay. I understand the fact that they are actually pissed off that I wasn't able to join them in their beach outing. Fine. But I hope they should at least try to understand me too. Right now I'm actually thinking that they are being immature in the sense that they, of all people, should know how life is being a student. I've got classes. I've got duties. I am still a student. They are former students. That's makes a big difference.

Forgot to text her often.... Haven't met her at the airport...... Haven't been in the beach outing..... And now I can't come with them and watch Transformers. Sheesh. Shallowness.

Okay....

First week of school went well. Or because it ended up well afterall.

(Just scribbling something.....)

Undo

I think I've had much for today. I just seem to be too tired. Maybe because I arrived home just an hour ago? I feel sleepy? Or simply because I have been thinking about a lot of things today.
When I arrived at school, my mood was not great. I don't like to talk much at all. In the morning, I even generalized this day to suck. True enough. This day sucks. I think I've been a bipolar for today actually. In a few minutes I laugh out loud while talking with my friends. In another I am not in the mood to talk at all. Then I'm with friends again. Next, I go quiet.
Mixed emotions. I can't seem to understand what I feel. I don't know what exactly are the emotions I am feeling. I'm not okay.
I don't know where to start. I don't even know how. All I know is that I'm as disturbed as he is, though not in the same way as he is. I can't blame him for acting like that. If I were in his shoes, I'd probably have the same reaction. I just didn't see it that he'll come across that post. It's not my intention to hurt him or anything similar to that. The day I posted it up was the day that I was so bothered of that statement that I can't focus properly and I need some vent. Now I think it was at all but wrong to post it up.

Heart React

My heart knows him so much that even a silhouette of him makes my heart go crazy and that's when I know that my heart is still beating for him.

Last night, my friend uploaded a bunch of our group pictures on Facebook. As I go thru all our happy memories captured on cam, I can't help but say to myself that "we look good together". Argh! There! So my heart spoke for itself. Dang!

I don't know if I was just being overreactive in hearing my heart speak once more of him. Since it's been long that I haven't been entertaining thoughts of him. Or rather, I have a lot of things to deal with than negotiate with my stubborn stubborn heart.

Since school's up starting tomorrow, I think I can have my heart shut itself up again. Haha! Thinking I have things rushing in on to be done. And my attention will be divided again. Hmm...

Student Life

After five academic years, finally I'm now in my senior year in college. Woo-hooo!!!! In my circle of high school friends, only three (I'm one of them) are still undergrads and the rest (8 of them) are now graduates. One is pursuing extra units in her chosen profession, two are into med school, most are reviewing (I guess) for the board.

I remember last year when the 2nd semester started for everyone, my friends were so into the "we're graduating soon" theme. Honestly it made me sad most of the time that we're together because all they ever talk about was them nearing the end of their school years. They joke around about leaving us behind still burdened with the workloads of school. In fact there are moments wherein I don't want to see them at all just because we'll be the butt of their jokes again.

Now I'd still be in that school. The difference? I'm in my senior year. At last!

I spent two years being a Freshman. I had a sweet torture kind of fate in my first Freshman year. Then I decided to shift course and also to transfer to another school. Being in my first university was all I ever wanted. I even turned down the opportunity of being in another college I do not only like, but most of my friends are there too.

A sweet torture, it is. Sweet because I get to be in a prestigious and one of the best university nationwide. A torture because it made me stressed, holistically stressed.

Physically. I was not allowed to live in a dorm near school. Hence, I travel north to south and back again everyday. (Rough estimate of 22 kilometers?) Emotionally. Both my parents are away. I am in-charge of the budgeting, the groceries, the bills, even daily cooking.... everything. And the most important of all --- Intellectually. I don't like my course. There! It's a pain in my neurons. I really don't know. Maybe if I live near my school, and if I don't have those responsibilities of being a daughter and a sister.......... Maybe it would be a different story. Maybe.

And so I shifted and transferred. I don't have any regrets, seriously. Though I seldom have these "what-ifs" in mind, still I don't regret anything. Things happen for a reason. And whatever situation I am in now, it's the best for me and God had already planned this in the very beginning so He can make me be the person He created me to be.

Waaahh!!! Whew! :D This is my final year of being a student. I'll savor every moment, treasure all the friendships I've made, and be the best I can offer to my Maker.

Let's get it on!

"Stuck On You No More"

A part of me is doubting if I could really say that. It has been years that I've been struggling to get this over with. It's like being addicted to chocolate --feeling the guilty pleasure with every bite.

My berx had more than enough of my love-him-now-hate-him-later mood. I tell them I'm moving on but I find myself still head over heels in-love with him. "I've got a stubborn heart", that's what I often tell them. But because they're my friends, they stand-by me through all my unreasonable determination. Thanks.

There's no one who can assess this better than me. Only I can say if this time it's for real. We haven't seen each other nor had communicated for quite some time now. But I am doubtful if I can pass the test.

What if I get to see him on an unexpected moment downtown? What if he tells me he misses me? Will my heart betray me for the nth time?

I want to take the test, really. But.... but..... what if I fail again?

A Bothersome Comment

I understand she was trying to protect me. Who else will I turn to when circumstances go crazy? It'll always be my friends. But I have to admit that I didn't like her statement.

Besides, you can use him. Like what _____ said, he's not worthy... though you can use him.

What was that? Her comment struck me while I was doing my groceries yesterday. A thought came to my mind.....

So do you think I am just using him?

It left me bothered. It's not that I care so much about how people view me. It's just that I can't imagine that they might actually be viewing me as a 'user'.


I didn't expect that things would be this bothersome for me just now. I'm bracing myself for the blow when school days are back.

I miss my "mama": The Reply

I definitely miss my nak nak too.

She's been avoiding me for days. And this makes me sad.

I'm not blaming her for how she's been treating me now. I've read her blog post in which I think she was so confident of letting me find it because of the reason that I don't know where she blogs at all. Hehe. But I found it. And I've read it. Bleh!

I'm not one who breaks promises.

I have been so annoying as I can possibly be just so he'd tell me the twist. When I think I couldn't get anything more revealing, I quitted. He made me promise one thing in exchange for the revelation. And this is not to tell anyone not even Gg.

Knowing the twist made my tongue itch. I so want to tell my nak nak. However, I made a promise.

I waited til Monday. The plan was that we will tell her the twist. I was hesitant and I backed off the last minute. I decided that I don't want to see her reaction. He was right when he said that the twist will make me very happy. When I knew what he told Gg --"might hurt you"...-- reality sinked in that she might be sad. I know she was very well expecting her comeback to her old group. That's why I don't want to be the one cracking the news to her.

"I know that this happiness of mine has caused some to be sad" --a statement I wrote in my Multiply account. Now I wonder if it's safe to write: this happiness of mine is causing some to be sad.

I definitely miss my nak nak. "THINGS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THE SAME AGAIN", she wrote. She's got a point though. But I hope things won't be ruined just because of this. Things change. (As change per se is inevitable.) But it doesn't follow that things end.

Why the Blog Title.....?

Sunglasses and a Headset.

For my Budotz Family, we all know this --it's me and my nak nak's XP. :D
Sunglasses to shade our eyes from the sun (well of course.... like duh). And the headset are for those tedious moments that needs some soul-pumping, booty-grinding, mood-boosting music.

As I was thinking of what to put as my blog title, me and Gg's XP came across my mind. And I think it's cool. Just as we are cool. Nyahaha!

Uno

Blog title:

Thinking...
Thinking...
Still thinking...

Ahah! Finally....
Smiling...

Typing 'Sunglasses and Headset'

Thinking...

Typing 'Sunglasses and a Headset'

Continue

Hit.


Ta-dah!!! Cheers to my newest blog page!