Express Mail 8

To the girl who's in yellow and now (as in right now) in pink:

I was just done looking into your facebook profile. Good thing we're not connected anymore (and never will be) and that I didn't get to witness the words you posted. I'm days late.

So since I'm days late, this is obviously a late reaction. But I'm going to react anyways. I don't like you. I never did. Rather, we never did. I was thankful I deleted you in my friends list for the reason that if ever I read it on time, I've lashed out on you.

I wish we'll never bump into each other downtown. I'm sure you wouldn't like that too.We know you're a fighter. But please keep in mind we can be fierce too. I'm not threatening you because of our number. Place us singly, we're fierce. How about if we're back-to-back?

I've got things to do so I need to cut this note now.

P.S. I've got fangs. And these are for you. Would you mind having a fang mark?

Photo from here.

I'm an Alcoholic

Yes, I am. I've been trying to deny this for the longest time but then everyone around me has witnessed my compulsion. And I can't help it.

An alcohol in my bag is a must. It's one thing I can't afford to not have. There were these moments when I suffer from dry hands for the sake of giving in to it. Then I bought this antibacterial lotion but I just didn't like it.

The other day M had a dream of me being in a military academy. (I would like to sign up for it but my height does not meet the requirement. Dang!) Then in our jogging session he noticed I have an alcohol on my pants' pocket.

Even in dreams. LOL.

Music Files

Photo from here.

Earlier I updated my music file folder by downloading some current songs --only my new favorite ones. I have songs from Boyce Avenue, David Archuleta, Bruno Mars (whom I just recently found out that he's a Filipino-Puerto Rican --see this), One Republic, Usher, and Jay Sean.

Then I have come to realize that our PC was bombarded with me and my sister's mp3 files (well it's more on mine I guess). Tee-hee. I'm thinking of burning some into CDs to somehow spare our PC of memory.

MT: Only in Psychia

MT stands for Multiply Treasures. Bringing some of my posts from my Multiply site in here.

Jan 18, '09 9:10 PM

I dreaded school's come back. I have to drag myself to school after the Christmas vacation. "Got to face Psychia", I mumbled, rolled my eyes then sighed. During the circle, I faked my smile and enthusiasm. I don't want to put my groupmates into further anxiety and nervousness when they see my aura for that day.

Looking back now, the experience was unlike any other. Exhausting, yes. Financially draining, super yes! Rewarding, super super yes! I can say I was blessed by the experience. Being with the mentally ill patients are scary --I used to have that notion. But after the two-weeks exposure I realized it was fine. (Though I don't know if I will ever consider working as a psychiatric nurse. Hey! I'm just being honest, ok?)

I'll never forget the funny moments cause of their deviant thinking and reasoning. And the memories I had shared with my groupmates, my Migo (btw, we call them Migo or Miga, followed by their name), and the rest of the gang. Kung maraming nakakatawang moments, meron din namang mga nakakaantig ng puso scenes.

The two-weeks I once dreaded was finally over. However, the things I have learned...I have experienced...I have realized...will be with me. The exposure may have been merely just two weeks but that two weeks touched my heart and will make a difference in my nursing career like no other rotation can. Certainly.......................only in psychia.

MT: Ready?

MT stands for Multiply Treasures. Bringing some of my posts from my Multiply site in here.

Oct 31, '08 10:16 PM

--That's what's being asked when we're faced with some peculiar event or something of the like. I remember being asked by my CI, "you guys ready?". It was seconds before our return demonstration on administering medications and nervousness was all in our face that very moment. We were like looking at each others' faces and trying to laugh off every pound of our hearts.

I knew I studied much, I "internalized" the procedures, I "trained" my shaking hands to be not so overacting.. I prayed a lot too. But when we were asked if we were ready for the RD, I don't know what to say. Suddenly I don't know if I am that prepared at all.

The CI got the expression from our faces. She had also sensed the nervousness despite our laughs that we were uncertain if we were indeed ready. Then she said something that was engraved in my thoughts right then and there.... 

"We'll never know we're ready unless we're in it". When asked if were ready for anything, usually we are uncertain if we are. We would always think that the preparations we did or what we have in hand is/are not sufficient for us to get thru it. Man's instinct so we won't get hurt/frustrated, I guess? We always think we are not ready for things that are new to us. But when we look back, we've already leaped into what we felt we were unready for. Well, it may not be a success at once. It's not that we're free from getting our hearts broken by it. But the point is that whatever the result may be, we've certainly learned something from it. Reconstruction of strategies can be done... living the realizations out... and most of all, a sense of fulfillment that we can be able to say "I did it"... or a stronger ME by the end of it to say "I can do it again".
As for the troubled spirit, calm down by having a talk with Him. ;) Sure works!

Multiply Treasures

I had a lot of blogging sites. I used to have Wordpress but it's now gone, so as my past Blogger account. And I have Multiply, it's still available but it's not updated.

I remembered some of my posts so I signed in my Multiply account and found treasures.

I'll be bringing some of my posts there in here. :)

Woven Thoughts

I.
OK, I perfectly know that being insecure is never good and so as it's sister --envy. Whenever I stumble on that, I start to ask why I happen to not have it... why do I not get as close to it... and I wonder if I would ever claim it too... and if when will that be.

I'm starting to lose hope on my dream. I want to think that someday I'ma have it too. But maybe I don't deserve it after all. I don't know. I envy those who are enjoying it right now. And right, I know I'm sinning by envying others. Crap! Save me!

II.
The culprit for my behavior lately is none other than my now-here-and-for-a-few-months-gone hormones. I have a faulty system. My ovulation days are next to unpredictable. I think my longest time of drought was 5 months. I actually want to see a gynecologist but you know, I'm pretty scared of the possible findings. Like after all I'm not a girl... Stuff like that. LOL.

I've been very much irritable (like I always am when my period's coming) that I am actually in a combative mode for days. It's like "Move, and I'll shoot you" kind-of feeling.

III.
Talking about my faulty system, I think that there would be a narrow probability of me getting pregnant because of it. And that is more on the advantage for me because I don't like kids, generally. Maybe my perception would change once I have my own kids. But now, nah-uh!

IV.
Kids. kids. kids. The reason why our neighbor whines every single day for not less than 3 times per day.

Yesterday the kid was playing stone-throwing. Great. He aims for houses. Awesome. I caught him in the act of throwing stones at our house but the lil kid didn't seem to notice me since I was just standing at our door. So I went outside and caught him throwing at the house in front of us. I got his attention and like most kids do when they are reprimanded for their action which they know isn't right, he ran away.

Pretty much the same story of a random kid who was fascinated with our lovebirds and threw his ice water at the cage but missed it. I got angry at them and told them I don't want to see their faces.

V.
I know. I'm a meanie. :)

Tomboy

To what I can recall, I think the first time someone commented I was tomboy was in junior high. Or it has got an impact on me much that I can never forget who said it and that I told his elder brother (who happens to be my best bud of all time) to reprimand him afterward. LOL.

Thinking back, I can't blame him. I had a loose blouse and a lengthy skirt back then. While everyone else had their blouse a lil body hugging and their skirts just a couple of inches below their knees. My everyday companion was his brother because my girl bestfriend is preoccupied with her boyfriend.

Just days ago, I was given that word again. And bingo, it's because of my shirt. Right, [shirt] that is a bit loose. Boo-yah!

Just be thankful I don't punch harder than guys do. :)

Chic

At times I wanna step out of our doorstep all made up as if I'm one of the prettiest. However I mostly live by 2 words: comfort & practicality.

In my few month's routine as a fresh graduate/ reviewee, I pull off with just powder and my lip balm. I dress according to how I feel like. Mostly I come to class in just a tee, jeans, and rubber slippers. :) Good thing we have no dress code. (Just like the good old days in maroon university.)

I have apprehensions whenever I feel like dressing up differently than my usual, especially when it's just for my review classes. Maybe because I get the knack of not being overly mindful of what to wear. After all, I don't attend those just to flaunt my wardrobe (like I have one, haha!) or impress whoever.

PS Me Insecure

Read the preceding post here.

PS..
I remembered it's not just about my physical appearance that I feel insecure about for a lil while. It also includes my brain and my connection.

Just saying. :)

Me Insecure

Photo from here.

In·se·cure (adjective) 1: Uncertain 2: Unprotected, Unsafe 3: Loose, Shaky 4: Infirm 5: Beset by fear or anxiety

 I just happen to catch the feel of insecurities lately that it made me start to think to myself the following:

• I wish I'm skinny. Or if not, I wish I got more curves. (Minus my spine, please. I already have scoliosis. Leave my spine alone. Thankyouverymuch.)
• I have abs. If not, just a flat belly.
• ....and that I got a toned body, no flabs. Got it?
• I'm taller. 5'4 will do.
• And a __________________.

 Reality check.

• I'm not skinny. I think I got some big bones. And as for the curves, I think I have some (luckily).
• ....I got the curves in my abdomen though. Far different from abs. It's a belly!
• Flabs, check!
• I'm 5'1 and something. Still it's 5'1. Too bad it can't be rounded up to 5'2, I guess.
• Well, forget it.

Man, I don't know what's up with me. I know we all have our insecurities but I just don't know why it's gotten into me so much that I even blogged it up here. :)

I guess it's the hormones. Shoot.

That stuffed toy

The other day I saw this new game in the arcade and I liked the prizes. I like the stuffed toys hanged in the sides. Yeah right, like I was going to get one by hitting the balloon with a dart.

Earlier this day, I tried it. A single try was worth 30 bucks. Since I actually don't want to spend much, I tried it only once and to no avail, I got nothing. I regretted spending for it because I could have bought myself a plushy already (though it would be cheaper than those displayed) without even playing the game with the chance of actually not getting it --and that I actually didn't get it in the end.

I was disappointed simply because I wanted one. Haha! And now I realized how childish I acted earlier. LOL! I even regretted how I convinced myself the other day that I don't want to just buy myself a stuffed toy, rather, I want to have one because I somehow worked for it (by virtue of winning the game instead). Freak!

But then, I went home tonight happy. *smile* I have a mini stuffed toy courtesy of M. We went to Toy Kingdom shortly after that shitty attempt of mine and I saw this cute lil lime rabbit (?). And to make the story short, he bought it for me. *flashes my teeth in a big smile*

Actually I feel kinda ashamed since I'm not used to having someone buy me what I want. Even if it's my parents who asks "Gusto mo 'to?", I'd rather not answer it. Me and my sister was brought up not to be brats. Though we really really like something, even if we're asked if we like it, we won't admit it. We'll just give out a coyly smile or our eyes will just get that kind of sparkle. If what we wanted was bought for us, then thank you. If not, then it's okay.

Today, I say thank you. :)
Happy day! :)

Diary

I had this lil notebooks back then that serve as my diary/journal, whatever you wish to call them. But ever since my younger younger years, I'm not consistent with writing on my diary. I found it tiring to put my thoughts into words and scribble them down on paper. My mind always had those things I'd rather keep to my self.

Once I got really furious when I went to get my diary in its "hiding" place and there I found it on someone else's box. The person read my diary and now knew what was written in it. The secrets in it are not deadly, but the fact that someone else had a taste of what was on in my head (blow by blow) was uneasy.

Writing has been my sort of venting out even though my diary being stolen and read by someone else was traumatic. What I did then on was to write letters and burn them right after. In that way, no one else knew what I wrote.

Then blogging became my alternative way of unleashing my thoughts. I know I am one heck of a thought-keeper. At any instance, I would rather keep things and not express it. Whenever I blog or write something for everyone's eyes to see, most often I want to keep it vague just to satisfy my self that somehow I still haven't gave it all --even if I'll be the only one to get the grasp of it.

Today I was encouraged to keep a diary. I'm not quite sure if I'll get back to having those notebooks. Maybe I would like to store pictures instead. :)

Getting Bored

Lately, my life's been a routine: review classes, home, review classes, home. Seldom do I go out on my free days. I enjoy being at home actually but not until now.

I'm getting bored at home. Not that I don't feel bored before when I don't have anything to do.. It's just that my Dad and my sister comes home late. (Late because I go to sleep as early as 9:30pm.) I felt like it's not far from me being in a dormitory or an apartment all by myself.

It sucks. However, I think I should be used to this s***. I miss my mom even more. :)