A Special Hundredth Post

I have especially prolonged blogging for the reason that I want my 100th post to be extra special. I thought it would be a waste to just spend it on my rants via my Express Mail series; or talk about how my day was and so on. This goes out to my Mom, by the way.



Dear Ma,
Tomorrow marks a year since you've been gone. I can still remember your daily struggle with Cancer and its pain. But even so, we saw how gracefully you've endured it until the end.

I remember the night when I knew we'd lost you in hours time. I made a contract with my brain to be extra sensible to whatever I will hear. I prayed to God to make me awake the moment I'll hear anything because I perfectly know I'm bad at it.

I know I've explained it to you already but again, I'm sorry for the times I've been apathetic that it hurts you whenever I'm being like that. I have no choice Ma, I had to. It would be much of a burden seeing us breakdown each time you're screaming in pain. You often tell us we're emotionally strong individuals --me and Mav. And whenever you see me cry over movies it's like you've discovered something no one else has discovered yet. Haha! :)

You know, we miss you. I had one heck of a year last year.
January had been slow.
February: I celebrated my 1st birthday without you. I missed your lengthy SMS with your birthday wish for me in it.
March: we've been loaded with graduation practices.
April: finally my graduation day.
May: Kuya had a beach blowout for me.
June: Mav's first birthday without you. She missed you too. We all do. Uhm I had review classes then.
July, August, September: am busy with review still.
October: Dad's first birthday without you. We had a lil celebration over here with Jaz' family.
November: nothing really special I guess because I can't remember anything. :D
December: my board exam. My berx' 6th anniversary. And I'm already single.
The Holidays: we spent Christmas over Jaz'. They miss you Ma. On New Year we spent it here at home. Kinda sad but we managed. 1st year of 2011 at Jaz' house. Kuya misses you.

Everyone misses you. :) I guess it was just last week when my friend told me she wishes she had the same relationship with her Mom as I had with you. Hehehe. It made me a lil proud. :) Hahaha!

I love you Ma. We love you.
P.S. Don't worry about Dad. He made a promise last year that we'll never have a stepmom. We'll make sure he'd keep that. ^___^

I Miss Mom

Started to write this one up on March 18. Haven't had enough strength to finish this at one sitting... Late post tuloy...

It has already been 2 months as I just looked at the calendar and check out how long she has been away. The other night I went home almost 12 midnight 'cause of the preparations for our seminar I remembered how things were like then when Momskie was still alive.

No one texted me to inquire what time will I be coming home... even asked where I was, who am I with... not even sent me "take care, i love you, uwi agad".

When I arrived home, my Dad was in the couch, asleep. While my sister was glued to the PC, busy with facebook. She asked how my day was, if I've eaten already, etc. Then, I headed straight to my bed and called it a day.

If mom's still here, I recalled she'd be awake the moment I'm home even if it's already late at night. She'd ask me how my day was, if I had my dinner, etc til I don't want to answer anymore because I'm too tired to even talk.

Now I'm nearing my Graduation Day in College, I miss her more. Wednesday, I was teary-eyed in the bleachers while waiting for our turn to get to the stage and perform the "routine" when I heard that "[your] parent(s)/guardian will be beside you sitting". I can remember Mom bargaining with the Lord that she'd be granted an "extension" til I graduate. But it was perfectly obvious that God wanted Mom to rest and be pain-free as she'll soon watch over me in my gala uniform and black toga on that fateful day.

If she's here now, I know she'll tell me over and over "oh, gagraduate ka na... aakyat kami ni Daddy mo sa stage". Then she'll ask me if there's any chance I'll get a special award, if not, a medal for being on the honor roll.

Days ago (it's April 2, btw), I bought a new eyeshadow trio, tried on different looks to somehow practice applying some decent "graduation" make-up because this time I don't have her to do my hair and color my face. I'm trying my best to perfect putting on make-up for my sister's sake as well.

I know I didn't say "I love you" as much as I want to... been a "pasaway", a "señorita" and a "maldita"... I know saying those 3 words now aren't going to matter. I once thought that those scenes in movies where it's "too late" just happen in silver screens. Of course now, I know better to say that it happens --when you wish things aren't too late to tell someone how much you love/value him/her, how much you'll miss him/her.

[April 12 --4 days before the BIG DAY]
Just like what I told everyone present during my Mom's eulogy, I wouldn't wish she's here. It would be way difficult for her to do things. Mom's better off in paradise than here being in an incessant pain. Though I know she'd love to be with me on the 16th. But Mom, you know, just watch over me from up there. Will you? I know you are proud of me... though I wasn't able to get what we all wanted. Things had never been the same since you've been gone. We miss you. And Ma, we all love you. P.S. I miss hugging you. :)

Part 1

My mom has been diagnosed with rectosigmoid cancer in January (if I’m not mistaken). She had the tumor removed in March. It’s stage II by the way. At that time, the doctor has not advised her to undergo chemotherapy. I guess it was in May when she had her schedule for barium enema (for the purpose of knowing if she can have her colostomy closed already). Good news is that she can have her temporary colostomy closed.

Honestly, I don’t ask much about my mom’s disease. I get my news/update as I see it or I hear it here at home. Well, I inquire a bit but there’s a definite pain in the possibility of hearing something that will break my heart in pieces. I’ve got a strong personality, yes. However, no matter how tough I seem to be, I have my soft spots. And this is one of them.

Lately, she’s been sick. She had her check-up and it has been told (I heard) that the doctor wanted her to start her chemotherapy. As I try to imagine her experiencing the effects of chemo, my eyes become wet. Sigh. These are the times I become apathetic. Again.