Part 1

My mom has been diagnosed with rectosigmoid cancer in January (if I’m not mistaken). She had the tumor removed in March. It’s stage II by the way. At that time, the doctor has not advised her to undergo chemotherapy. I guess it was in May when she had her schedule for barium enema (for the purpose of knowing if she can have her colostomy closed already). Good news is that she can have her temporary colostomy closed.

Honestly, I don’t ask much about my mom’s disease. I get my news/update as I see it or I hear it here at home. Well, I inquire a bit but there’s a definite pain in the possibility of hearing something that will break my heart in pieces. I’ve got a strong personality, yes. However, no matter how tough I seem to be, I have my soft spots. And this is one of them.

Lately, she’s been sick. She had her check-up and it has been told (I heard) that the doctor wanted her to start her chemotherapy. As I try to imagine her experiencing the effects of chemo, my eyes become wet. Sigh. These are the times I become apathetic. Again.

Apathetic.

I know I am. I know I can be. I know I can be not.

I want to expound on me-being-apathetic-at-times but right now I just can't because I still got an exam on History and the bell is about to ring in a few minutes.

I promise I'll explain this further the next time.
Til here for now.

Universal Remote Control

After chatting with a friend last night during our duty hours ('cause basically it was close to saying there was nothing to do at all for 8 hours) , I asked myself "Where was I? Where have I been?". Bottom line is, I missed a lot about my friends' lives. As she was elaborating on things, she was astounded that I don't know the latest news. "That was in summer, didn't you know that?", she told me. Damn. I missed a lot.

Where was I? I was busy with some other things. I wasn't in-tune to them.
Where have I been? I've been running away with some matters and I hate to think that the price of it was that I've been away with them too.

I miss them. I wish I was with them. It sucks 'cause right now I feel like I was Adam Sandler in the movie Click.

Toxic

We were assigned at the ward for this week. Unlike last week, this week's duty spelled t-o-x-i-c --for me, that is.

The wing was almost full house. I had 2 patients. Fair enough 'cause we all have the same fate. The difference was that one of my patient had a biliary drainage tube and a jejunostomy tube in her abdomen. Honestly, I already sensed the toxicity. Yet on the back of my mind I know there's got to be a purpose why I was assigned to this patient and this experience will help me learn a lot.

First day. My mind was flying. Is it safe to say that I have been intoxicated for like 6 to 7 over 8 hours of my duty? Haha! At the end of my duty I can say that, "today, I have been of use" (Kung sa bisaya pa, "napuslan ko karong adlawa"). Hahahaha! Not like last week wherein I almost did nothing. Hehe. I just stared at the floor most of the time because I don't have anything to do. Thank God for the people who helped me.

Second day. I already got used to the procedures this particular patient of mine has. I can say I was already confident then. (A big thanks to my bedside nurse.) I don't think I will ever feel toxic-ness that day but I was wrong. The watcher inflicted toxic-ness as we were trying to change the linens of my patient (who was her mother) on complete bed rest without bathroom privilege. Yes, she helped me but damn what could some two ladies' strength do? Finally we managed to get it over with. I left the room with droplets of sweat all over my forehead.

Third day. I only had one patient for the third day. This time she was not assigned to anyone of us --student nurses. I admit I missed being toxic because of her but I thought it was a rest time for me. I was relaxed when someone from the nurse station called for me. My client's watcher went to the station to tell the nurses they needed assistance in changing diaper. I thought it was just plain changing of her soiled diaper. Rather, I ended up changing her linens again after waiting for her to finish pooping, assisting her watcher clean her, and changing the diapers. Thank God because my bedside nurse this time was a male. And four of us were there to change the linens so it was easier to move her sideways and faster to pull the linens and tuck it in place.

I super thank God for this week's duty. Not only for the things I've learned but also for the toxic-ness I have experienced. Where else will I feel the essence of being a nurse if not from toxic-ness?