Dreams

I do things I like, have fun, be with people I miss. Then I wake up, Im in the same bed, same room, same city. Later, I'll be doing the same routine. This is not what I like, I barely have fun, and Im far from the people I miss. To add up, it's raining outside. I dont have chocolates here as well. FML.

My Haven

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. Even so, I had my room as my shell. I bought me some journal, it kind of helps to write down thoughts sometimes --especially when you have no one to talk to. Mind thinks faster than I write/type. I'm so not into details as well. But at least I can pour out some emotions that I'm not allowed to show.

I hate my self now more than ever. I still eat though (even if I don't deserve the right to), still go to work (I'm effin' punctual even), manage to not look dishevelled whatnot. I'm used to crying daily for weeks now. Weird that my eyes still give me that sting whenever tears well up. Maybe a reminder that even if I weep and mourn, I deserve all these pain.

These days I like to see me in a hospital bed, maybe then I can value my self more than I do now. It's hard to make your self be understood by giving just a little piece of information and by just giving a little pinch of emotion.

I'm sober yet I'm wasted. FML.

How to pack up like an obsessive-compulsive

The OC part of me is stressing me out. Moreover, me being stressed out by myself can be 1) mostly useful and 2) can not be of exemplary use as well.

How to pack up like me because I'm an OC. Ugh.

1. Make a list of things to bring way before your travel date. (You don't want to be irate thinking you've left something behind. Review your note once in a while.) Be specific. When I say specific, include those one would never thought of bringing along --say, scissors.. nail cutter.. flashlight... All because those might be needed.
2. Get those things you've listed down. Don't put it in your luggage yet. Crush out those you've prepared in your list. Get all those you might need with the thinking that you might actually need it.
3. Now, place everything in your luggage. And a little after doing so, you must realize that you're going to be charged some extra fee for the excess baggage. Ha!
4. Time to review what you've put in. This is the time I bargain with my self that those I have put in my bag are actually essential and might be used/needed/whatsoever.
5. OC Instinct vs Conscience. Often, my conscience wins this only after battling hard with my OC instinct. Or after I do a little compromise with things. As I am typing this, I am not yet done with packing. :) I'm still doing the bargaining inside my head. But you know my conscience managed to get some clothes out of my bag. After all, if I rarely use it now, I may never get close to using those even if I bring it with me. Thank God for my brain.
6. Now everything is set to go, close your bag and start stressing maybe you've left something behind. You have to convince yourself hard enough that you haven't. Review your list once again and see that you haven't missed out whatever it may be. If you're still not convinced, compare your luggage with someone else's. Haha!
7. If you're still not convinced and you're tired of being stressed, do step #5 again. This time, the battle is over checking your bag contents again and again and again OR to stop overthinking and convince yourself it's enough (needs a lot of practicing) OR do both (because you're an OC).

Yeah, yeah... Welcome to my life. LOL

Express Mail 14

Not because someone holds the door open for you; reminds you to take your meal or your medicines; asks you how your day was; treats you for some late-lunch; drives you home, etc.. means he likes you.

I'm just saying, don't put malice in actions. Actions speak louder than words but honey, these are the times when we need someone to spell something out for us. Act your age, for crying out loud. You're not a teenager.

Express Mail 13

To _ _ _ _ _;

Don't send me mixed messages. Stop testing the waters.
I think this is not the last time I'm going to mail you.

Express Mail 12

To my dearest:

Words seem to fall short of everything. I think I can't possibly talk you out of how you think or feel right now. I'm not good with words but I wish I can hold you aaf until the ghosts inside your head goes away.

Shut

There are a lot of things that I want to say. Sadly, no matter how much I want to let it out my chest, doing so is not a good option.

I'm good at keeping things to myself. I am very much thankful that no Edward Cullen can get through my thoughts. :) I'm also hard to decode. :) Good for me.

A Special Hundredth Post

I have especially prolonged blogging for the reason that I want my 100th post to be extra special. I thought it would be a waste to just spend it on my rants via my Express Mail series; or talk about how my day was and so on. This goes out to my Mom, by the way.



Dear Ma,
Tomorrow marks a year since you've been gone. I can still remember your daily struggle with Cancer and its pain. But even so, we saw how gracefully you've endured it until the end.

I remember the night when I knew we'd lost you in hours time. I made a contract with my brain to be extra sensible to whatever I will hear. I prayed to God to make me awake the moment I'll hear anything because I perfectly know I'm bad at it.

I know I've explained it to you already but again, I'm sorry for the times I've been apathetic that it hurts you whenever I'm being like that. I have no choice Ma, I had to. It would be much of a burden seeing us breakdown each time you're screaming in pain. You often tell us we're emotionally strong individuals --me and Mav. And whenever you see me cry over movies it's like you've discovered something no one else has discovered yet. Haha! :)

You know, we miss you. I had one heck of a year last year.
January had been slow.
February: I celebrated my 1st birthday without you. I missed your lengthy SMS with your birthday wish for me in it.
March: we've been loaded with graduation practices.
April: finally my graduation day.
May: Kuya had a beach blowout for me.
June: Mav's first birthday without you. She missed you too. We all do. Uhm I had review classes then.
July, August, September: am busy with review still.
October: Dad's first birthday without you. We had a lil celebration over here with Jaz' family.
November: nothing really special I guess because I can't remember anything. :D
December: my board exam. My berx' 6th anniversary. And I'm already single.
The Holidays: we spent Christmas over Jaz'. They miss you Ma. On New Year we spent it here at home. Kinda sad but we managed. 1st year of 2011 at Jaz' house. Kuya misses you.

Everyone misses you. :) I guess it was just last week when my friend told me she wishes she had the same relationship with her Mom as I had with you. Hehehe. It made me a lil proud. :) Hahaha!

I love you Ma. We love you.
P.S. Don't worry about Dad. He made a promise last year that we'll never have a stepmom. We'll make sure he'd keep that. ^___^

Kids

I saw this pic over tumblr and it's just so adorable. Who in the world does not see it as lovely?

I want to dress up my future kid/s like this too. :) Very very adorable. It made me think of the kind of joy little blessings like this make a parent melt... It made me think I want a kid now too so I can have someone to dress up and buy little mittens, little socks, little clothes, and all things that are colorful and cute.

But I wish having a kid is as easy as having a stuffed toy. When you're through with playing, you can just leave it in your room as you attend to your day's activities. And get back to your plushy when you feel like playing dress up again.

With how costly living a life is now, having a baby should be and is ideally well-planned. It's not like going on a mall and then an impulse strikes you with the thinking "I want it" and presto. Even when I have my share of impulse buying, when I get home I come to think why on earth have I bought it anyways. Then regret on what has happened --that the money spent on it should have been spent on something more worthy of buying.

Yet things don't go "ideally" all the time. I salute women who carry on with their pregnancy at a young age who goes head on with whatever the repercussions of their actions are. I salute people who does not resort to committing abortion just to "undo" the result of their impulsive wants. I salute all single parents for doing all they can to rear their little ones.

In as much as I want to have a "mini me", I believe today or any time soon is not the right time. Having a kid is not like having a toy. It requires great love, incessant effort, much time, and more money. I want my future kid to grow up well-provided for financially and emotionally.

I want to be financially stable first, then have a family of my own. Then maybe after a couple of years, I'll have a baby. Then be a full-time mom to watch and guide my kid as s/he's growing up. :)

For now, I guess I have to fish for my old stuffed toys and be content with them.... play with our puppies.... and accomplish my dreams for myself and for my family first.

Express Mail 11

To Someone who got in my nerves today,

I'm not from the cave with nothing but primitive things owned. I did not appreciate how you made me feel like I'm some effin moron who has not even heard (if not thought) of it.

I hate you today. And maybe tomorrow as well. And the day after tomorrow.

PS. I still have not forgotten what you wanted to do years ago. I'll tell you a secret. You were the person I hated back then even though I still have no idea what you look like.

Express Mail 10

To my brown truffle-colored phone:
I understand you're sick. Maybe it's your battery or your internal parts. I super don't know what's wrong why you start draining the life out of you within 24 hours. I don't know what to hope for: to hope it's the battery's problem and that would suck 1,200 bucks out of my/my dad's pocket (hopefully his pocket), or to hope it's something internal like the connector that costs 650 bucks. M says he thinks it's the board's problem. (Recently you fell from my cupboard, remember?) And if that is the case, I was like having a problem with the entire CPU if in contrast with the PC. Dang.

Afterall, I think I know what to hope for anyways. I want to keep you. I just hope I can buy a new battery for you and that things would get back to your old you. :(

To my hormones:
You're so in a state of imbalance. I'm having mood swings to the next level. I'm just like switching crayons as I'm going thru emotions my entire day. A lil stressful for me and everyone around me, eh?

To lovesick people around me:
Lately are the days I don't seem to ride with all your mushiness. I get irritated MOST of the time. Blame it to my hormones, thankyouverymuch.

To my at-fault hormones:
...because you're erratic.

I am actually starting to think that I can possibly be unable to bear a kid, even an H-mole. For crying out loud, you are so not regularly coming. And if ever I'll be clinically diagnosed as one who is not capable of reproduction, I will be a spinster. I'll need to earn well and save well so when time comes I am in my 40's and no one wants to marry me cause I'm barren, I'll tour around the world anyways.

To Paris, France:
Speaking of touring the world, everyone including me wants to visit you. Heck I know you got this title "most romantic place on Earth" and so I promise to pay you a visit when I'm not in my I'm-irritated-with-lovesick-people mood as a spinster.

To my anxious thoughts:
You are starting to rise again. Please be in mild level only. I know I'm starting to think to end my life when the result will be unfortunate early next year. Yet I know it will be a wrong decision to make. Right now, all I want to say to you is that I have God and that I know He's in control. Bleh!

Crushes

Funny how after many years your past crush tells you he's got a crush on you too way back then. For all those times I've got a crush on him, I thought I'm not one who will get his attention. I thought I'll never get his eyes on me. Then he told me he had a crush on me before. Mischievous fate. For crying out loud, I had a crush on you then too. :)

Weekend Getaway

I had a really really great weekend. After having my review on Friday, me and Cha headed to IGaCoS right away to catch Rys' parents. Cha and I have to pretend we got there by ourselves and that we don't have any company in the resort who went earlier than us. It's for the reason that rooms are to be occupied by 3 people only (we're 5 --Rys, Cha, me, Kar, Shera). We arrived roughly 7pm.

The beach is inviting. If only I wore my swimming clothes already, after the crew ushered me and Cha to our spot, I could have dived in already but we have to let our company know we're already there. So we were like very vigilant because the management's eye is everywhere. We got together for dinner and jumped right in the waters after meal. We didn't expect that swimming is til 9pm only. Boo!

Overnight with friends are expected to be a not-much-sleep night. We chatted about anything under the sun (or moon rather, haha corny) and ate chips. It's actually Kar's birthday and we actually wanted to surprise her and Rysa too (her birthday is on Monday). Me and cha got a hard time making alibis just to get to the room to make our fancy lil surprise. I think we had to make 4 different alibis til we finally had no other company.

We had the cupcakes and the candles but we don't have anything to light those candles on. Good thing we saw a staff sleeping on a chair. He had a lighter. Yipee! We lit the candles and walked our way to them on the bench. We sang the song, the Happy Birthday song, and they were totally surprised. Goal met!

Here's what we made for them.

Kara's and Rysa's

I wanted them to cry but then they didn't. Kara was almost teary-eyed but Rysa wasn't for the reason that she was just shocked though it was her 1st time to actually be surprised.

The rest of the night, we just giggled and talked about anything. Me, Kara, and Rysa was up til 4:30am. I wanted to eat a sandwich then so we headed to the room and basically left the sleeping two on the bench by the beach. And the 3 of us fell asleep in the room. Haha! It was just 2 hours of sleep, for crying out loud. The original plan was that we'll see the sun rise. Failed. We woke up 6:30am. Cha and Shera went to us 'cause they were awaken by excited children wanting to get wet already. We changed our clothes and swim again.

By lunch we grilled chicken, after which, we had a bountiful lunch. And shortly after, we went home after playing table tennis. Rysa's parents were our sponsor for everything, by the way. We are just so thankful for the getaway. It was a great weekend to remember.

Scars

One of my fave songs is Scars by Papa Roach. I love the line "the scars remind us that the past is real". Indeed it is.

Whenever I look at my scars I remember how did I get it in the first place. There's this "I slipped in the rock in the sea" scar, "I was pushed by my sister" scar, and the "play" scar, the "mishandled knife" scar... And of all my scars, I have a favorite. It's small to be noticed, it blends well with the rest of my skin. But me owning and knowing my body, I can easily recognize it. It's the scar I had when I was tugging the marker away from my best bud. Silly fight. HAHA! And I know I have scarred him too, but on a different instance and a different story. HAHA! :P

Express Mail 9

To the *itch who was then wearing pink and now's wearing white:

Frankly speaking, I'm starting to like how you're reacting. I've been checking your profile once in a while and I can say you're pissed by what you're reading. Even if we conceal your identity in our shout-outs, you have this idea of reference. And to tell you the truth, honey, you're it. But of course, we'd still sugarcoat everything 'cause we're sweet. Haha!

The wrongest thing you've ever done was wanting to play the victim role. If your ex is tired of everything and that he'd rather give his cheek for you to slap just so you'll shut the eff up, do you seriously think we're going to let him do just that?

Express Mail 8

To the girl who's in yellow and now (as in right now) in pink:

I was just done looking into your facebook profile. Good thing we're not connected anymore (and never will be) and that I didn't get to witness the words you posted. I'm days late.

So since I'm days late, this is obviously a late reaction. But I'm going to react anyways. I don't like you. I never did. Rather, we never did. I was thankful I deleted you in my friends list for the reason that if ever I read it on time, I've lashed out on you.

I wish we'll never bump into each other downtown. I'm sure you wouldn't like that too.We know you're a fighter. But please keep in mind we can be fierce too. I'm not threatening you because of our number. Place us singly, we're fierce. How about if we're back-to-back?

I've got things to do so I need to cut this note now.

P.S. I've got fangs. And these are for you. Would you mind having a fang mark?

Photo from here.

I'm an Alcoholic

Yes, I am. I've been trying to deny this for the longest time but then everyone around me has witnessed my compulsion. And I can't help it.

An alcohol in my bag is a must. It's one thing I can't afford to not have. There were these moments when I suffer from dry hands for the sake of giving in to it. Then I bought this antibacterial lotion but I just didn't like it.

The other day M had a dream of me being in a military academy. (I would like to sign up for it but my height does not meet the requirement. Dang!) Then in our jogging session he noticed I have an alcohol on my pants' pocket.

Even in dreams. LOL.

Music Files

Photo from here.

Earlier I updated my music file folder by downloading some current songs --only my new favorite ones. I have songs from Boyce Avenue, David Archuleta, Bruno Mars (whom I just recently found out that he's a Filipino-Puerto Rican --see this), One Republic, Usher, and Jay Sean.

Then I have come to realize that our PC was bombarded with me and my sister's mp3 files (well it's more on mine I guess). Tee-hee. I'm thinking of burning some into CDs to somehow spare our PC of memory.

MT: Only in Psychia

MT stands for Multiply Treasures. Bringing some of my posts from my Multiply site in here.

Jan 18, '09 9:10 PM

I dreaded school's come back. I have to drag myself to school after the Christmas vacation. "Got to face Psychia", I mumbled, rolled my eyes then sighed. During the circle, I faked my smile and enthusiasm. I don't want to put my groupmates into further anxiety and nervousness when they see my aura for that day.

Looking back now, the experience was unlike any other. Exhausting, yes. Financially draining, super yes! Rewarding, super super yes! I can say I was blessed by the experience. Being with the mentally ill patients are scary --I used to have that notion. But after the two-weeks exposure I realized it was fine. (Though I don't know if I will ever consider working as a psychiatric nurse. Hey! I'm just being honest, ok?)

I'll never forget the funny moments cause of their deviant thinking and reasoning. And the memories I had shared with my groupmates, my Migo (btw, we call them Migo or Miga, followed by their name), and the rest of the gang. Kung maraming nakakatawang moments, meron din namang mga nakakaantig ng puso scenes.

The two-weeks I once dreaded was finally over. However, the things I have learned...I have experienced...I have realized...will be with me. The exposure may have been merely just two weeks but that two weeks touched my heart and will make a difference in my nursing career like no other rotation can. Certainly.......................only in psychia.

MT: Ready?

MT stands for Multiply Treasures. Bringing some of my posts from my Multiply site in here.

Oct 31, '08 10:16 PM

--That's what's being asked when we're faced with some peculiar event or something of the like. I remember being asked by my CI, "you guys ready?". It was seconds before our return demonstration on administering medications and nervousness was all in our face that very moment. We were like looking at each others' faces and trying to laugh off every pound of our hearts.

I knew I studied much, I "internalized" the procedures, I "trained" my shaking hands to be not so overacting.. I prayed a lot too. But when we were asked if we were ready for the RD, I don't know what to say. Suddenly I don't know if I am that prepared at all.

The CI got the expression from our faces. She had also sensed the nervousness despite our laughs that we were uncertain if we were indeed ready. Then she said something that was engraved in my thoughts right then and there.... 

"We'll never know we're ready unless we're in it". When asked if were ready for anything, usually we are uncertain if we are. We would always think that the preparations we did or what we have in hand is/are not sufficient for us to get thru it. Man's instinct so we won't get hurt/frustrated, I guess? We always think we are not ready for things that are new to us. But when we look back, we've already leaped into what we felt we were unready for. Well, it may not be a success at once. It's not that we're free from getting our hearts broken by it. But the point is that whatever the result may be, we've certainly learned something from it. Reconstruction of strategies can be done... living the realizations out... and most of all, a sense of fulfillment that we can be able to say "I did it"... or a stronger ME by the end of it to say "I can do it again".
As for the troubled spirit, calm down by having a talk with Him. ;) Sure works!